I’m sure a few passing politicians, or those thinking about entering politics will find these tips on how to win elections of interest. If, as a result of reading this post, a few political careers are launched, remember it was my strategy that made you into a winner. Follow these simple tips and soon you’ll be running your very first nation!
First of all, you need to accept that the majority of voters are stupid. However, despite this low intelligence quotient, their votes count as much as the vote of the next, intelligent, man or woman. Note the key word here – majority – because that is what you will need to obtain that plum seat in local or national parliament, or, with a little luck, you could win elections and end up being your country’s next president or prime minister! You will go down in history, have your own Wikipedia entry and more!
Read on for the next step in this unique how to win elections guide. I’ll even send you my special 10 page ‘How to Win Elections’ ebook, for a bargain price. I’ll mention the price when I think you are ready. But first, some more essential steps you need to follow to be able to win your very own election.
Only losers won’t read the rest of this unique life changing how to win elections guide, so keep reading if you are not a loser, you future Mr President you.
Stupid Market Research
You need to carry out some market research to find out what the stupid majority want. You know, whatever appeals to them. Nothing too serious, because this will be beyond the intellectual capacity of the stupid majority. As an extra vote getter, you may well find that some of your shiny new manifesto items will appeal to those who are less stupid.
Start by promising lower taxes, this is always a winner, and an economic crisis will come along (or you can magic one up) meaning you will be, sadly, unable to fulfil this promise. Never mind about that. Hollow promises rule with the stupid majority. Just think of all the votes! Can’t you feel that prime minister’s seat warming up under your honourable derrière? The whiff of power will be in the air. Yes, you can win elections!
You Need an Image
Right, once you have found out what will appeal to the stupid majority, you need to develop a slick and presentable look, and cultivate the image of seriousness. Dress well, have a few good looking babes hanging off your arms, or, if you are a woman, a few good looking hunks. Get some good electoral posters published. Lots of banal glossy photos of you smiling broadly and promising the world. Family photos work well too, especially if you are holding the odd baby or two. Small furry animals can be used, if babies cannot be easily found. Throughout your election campaign keep promising more jobs, longer holidays, lower taxes, and whatever else the stupid majority is likely to lap up (more or less anything).
Don’t worry too much about education, the stupid majority cares more about entertainment than intellect.
Stop reading, start speaking
Stop translating in your head and start speaking Italian for real with the only audio course that prompt you to speak.
Get in the good books of a few television stations. Offer their owners a share of licensing fees, and the right to set up a good number of porn channels – always a money spinner, and loved by the stupid majority, and others, too. You’ll be loved by the stupid majority for such promises. Votes guaranteed!
Do the same with some newspaper owners and journalists – butter them up, say what nice people they are. Offer them jobs as advisers in your new government. While you are at it, approach a few school teachers and offer them some good jobs too. With a little luck they’ll tell their pupils what a cool person you are, and they in turn will mention your good name to their parents, the voters. You are just about good to go.
Little Vote Winning Extras
Of course, if you can afford to buy the odd TV station, newspaper, and, for added effect, a decent football team, you will be well on the way to winning your first election. Successful football teams are a pure vote getter. Think of all those admiring fans who will vote for you without bothering with awkward things like economic policy. Promise tax deductible season tickets and you’ll get the fans from all the other teams in your chosen nation voting for you too. Your path to power will be a no-brainer.
Smear Your Opponents
Even if you have nothing on your opponents, don’t worry, make it up and use the services of the new journalist friends you’ve cultivated. Plant the seeds of doubt and that will be enough. When people do the same to you, accuse them of being commies. Everybody hates commies, especially the stupid majority. You won’t lose votes, you’ll gain them!
Tell jokes, make a few gaffes. These will make you appear to be a man or woman of the people, and the stupid majority loves a good clown in the same way as they love a good comic on TV. And those gaffes will pay dividends in extra TV coverage. This adds up to even more votes!
Follow the tips in this unique never-been-seen-before How To guide and you’ll be in power in no time.
For the full ten page ebook on ‘How to Win an Election’ simply send €99.99 to me, and I’ll email the book to you as soon as your cheque clears. I would have accepted credit cards, but the fraud squad took my ability to accept them away, the commies.
What’s this got to do with Italy? Who knows. 😉
UPDATE, Late 2016: Seems one Donald Trump used this very How to Win Elections guide, and guess what? Yes, he won, and you can too! Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, lost. Obviously she didn’t read this how guide.