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Essential Rules for Berlusconi’s Titilating Primaries

Elisabetta Canalis

After the hammering it received in recent local elections, Silvio Berlusconi has ordered a major re-jigging of his party. He’s even considering using primary elections to help select a few new faces. People who’ll be more attractive to Italy’s voters.

From what I’ve read, Berlusconi will not be putting himself forward as a primary candidate for reasons unknown. Not.

Part of the reason why Berlusconi’s PdL lot were recently beaten by the smelly, stupid, as he tends to put it, commies, is that Italy’s left-leaning PD party has been using primaries to help select its candidates. The new Mayor of Milan, Giuliano Pisapia is the product of one such primary and has proved to be a popular choice.

Well, primaries need rules, and so to give the inimitable Berlusconi a helping hand, here are some primary election rules he might like…. er, to adopt to help his rumoured new party select more appealing candidates.

Essential Selection Rules for Primaries in Italy

1. 36 – 26 – 36

2. 38 – 24 – 32

3. 40 – 26 – 36

4. 50 – 26 – 34

5. 32 – 22 -28

6. Brunette (or Blonde)

7. Italian, but not smelly

8. Primarily female

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Stop reading, start speaking

Stop translating in your head and start speaking Italian for real with the only audio course that prompt you to speak.

9. Ex-Miss Italy or Miss Sicily or Miss Padania

10. Sociable – being a party animal helps

There, with a titillating party like that, Berlusconi will never lose again, I’m certain. Such an attractive party would surely change the face of Italian politics forever, and keep abreast of the commie competition too.

Of course, a televised talent show prior to the primary, called, maybe, B-Factor, could be held too. Viewers could elect their favourite candidates on the spot.

New Party Names

Elisabetta Canalis
Elisabetta Canalis - Italy's New Finance Minister?

A new party needs a snappy new name – not something Italian politicians are that good at coming up with, I have to say.

In the past in Italy there’s been: the Daisy party, the Olive and the Go Italy parties.  There is talk of resurrecting the Olive party, heaven forbid.  The name is 100% naff.

At the moment there is the Fli (sounds like ‘flee’), then there’s an odd bunch who call themselves ‘i responsabili’ which tends to sound like ‘irresponsible’ when mentioned here on the news.

Anyway, enough griping about the old and funny names.

Out with the old and in with the new.

How about the Amazons of Freedom Party? Or, the Glamorous Gals Party. Maybe the Good Girls Party. Or perhaps the Tempestuous Italian Triumphal Socialists party?

OK, so a few of the chaps may be a little put out, but hey, it’s the men in Italy who take all the decisions, and all Italian men, just about, will vote for a pretty Italian woman.

Perhaps the delectable Canalis might consider some position or other in the primaries? I understand she’s on the point of splitting up with the debonair George Clooney.

If you have any more, moderately polite, suggestions for rules and names for Berlusconi’s new primary driven party, please leave them in a comment below.

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